i'm sorry

Assalamualaikum,

it's been a rough weeks for me since last week where everything finally become a total mess and comes to an end. i'm so grateful to Allah S.W.T. for giving me the chance to realize and open my eyes to look into the wrong I've done and how am i being selfish and it hurt others. As a normal human being, i also make mistakes, need to be teach and reprimand by others so i can realize it and try to change. Also as a human, we do not run away from being ego, selfish and forget. what am i saying? daaa straight to the point now. people make mistakes and when we did, we need to correct it. sometimes we didn't realize that we did it until we were told by others. that's what happened to me.

i didn't realize that my behavior about 'something' really irritate my adopt family and it actually goes way over the boundaries for them. i didn't realize that because all i know is me having fun and feel comfy. i'm actually started to being so selfish and doesn't think about others feeling. well, that's my mistakes and they were suppose to tell me so i could change it. ibu, which is my adopt mother once told me that ayah, my adopt father didn't really like the way i'm behaving and maybe i changed but only for a while. the second and third time where my abang, reproach me and said the same thing. also maybe i did the same thing, changed for a little while and then become the selfish me again. my friend once said that people do reprimand once, twice and three time but not for the fourth time, so when they're fed-up, they'll just keep quite and keep it to themselves. that's what ibu and abang's doing towards me. i don't blame them cause in a way, they were right and i'm at fault. but somehow, i have my own reason for not listening to them and forget what they've told me.

as i'm going through a rough time because of my real family, my parents are getting divorce that time, so i only think about me, myself and i. no one else. i'm so stressed out and all i want to do was to have fun. but that's when i went wrong. ibu and abang stop telling me that i'm behaving the wrong way, instead they've started to ignore me. at first i'm just thinking this will take only a while and maybe everything will be back to normal again, but i'm wrong. i'm not mad because they ignored me or what, i'm just sad because i don't know where did i go wrong and they keep on ignoring me. how to settle all this then? am i the only one feeling those fucking shit feelings and they're not? i miss them so much, do they? hurmm and i keep on feeling guilty without knowing my fault and being neglected by them..it hurt so bad only Allah knows how i feel back then, trying to apologize and stuff..but keeps on being ignored.

last Friday night i went out lepaking with them. i know why they really want me to come and the reason is to settle all this with my abang. we were celebrating my friends' birthday at first and everything looks fine. they were actually waiting for him to come and then they'll start talking. abang came and after eating and blablabla so they started the so called discussion. abang started to scream and shout like a crazy moron and he didn't care about anything that time, not even other peeps are looking at him. all he know was his anger, so he blurt it out everything that night. i started crying when he started to shout at me. i don't know what else to think except for asking Allah to give me strength to go through that moment. only Allah knows my sorrow, how sad i am that night but i know if i can't do it now, this thing will never end. almost an hour i cry and wanted to talk but he keeps on interrupting. i've waited in tears, waiting for him to calm down so we can talk unemotionally. at last he's a bit calm and started to tell me this and that blablabla..

after I've listen to him, then it's time for him to listen to me. listen to my explanation  listen to what i have to say for me behaving that way. finally, he wanted to listen to me and he do forgive me. there's only one thing left to do that would make him totally forgive me..he want me to go and ask for forgiveness from ibu and ayah myself. i told him i will and in shaa Allah everything will be back to normal. that night when i realize even if abang did forgive me and soon ibu and ayah forgive me, i still can't forgive myself. it's because i'm so mad at myself that without realizing me turning out to be so selfish and hurts them so much. i can't face this situation right now so I've decided to stay away and be alone for some times, just for myself. after ibu and ayah forgive me, that will be the last time i will go to their house. i wont go back there until i'm ready to face them and can forgive myself. last Friday night also was the last time for me to lepak with them, no more. ashamed of myself? yes! i just need time to forget all this. in shaa Allah, i will meet them and go to ibu's house again during raya. i'll miss them because they're part of my life now but i just need some times.

to my dearest best friend Chaira and beloved S, i have to stay away from both of them for a while. like i said, i need time for me. until i can let everything go, i will go and meet ibu, ayah, abang, them, Chaira and S. for now, i'll stay here at Nottingham and focus on my study. Last semester, i need to do all out. thank you again Ya Allah for giving me the chance to correct myself, to be a better me and learn to respect others, amen.

#NoteToMyself: Learn to respect others, do not turn into that selfish bitch anymore and remember to always try hard for anything that i want, do not give up so easily and pray and know that i can always rely on Allah S.W.T.

-Aimi Nadiah-